- Create a strong visual anchor in your mind, make it vivid, feel and experience it. This should be a thing, place or person, or any combination that makes you feel at peace and calm. Allow yourself the time to connect to this visualisation. – When you find your mind wondering to places you don’t want to go. Tell yourself “no”, and then take yourself to your anchor. Use this anchor to bring you to the present. This will help you from fixating and practice will make it stronger.
- Visualise yourself as a third person viewing your thoughts in a painting, on TV, or through some external form. When you can dissociate yourself from your thoughts you will realise that, YOU aren’t your thoughts. This process may be difficult to do, some people like to imagine themselves sitting in a large chair watching their thoughts on TV and analysing them, seeing them pass through their mind. You can imagine paintings of your thoughts, the ones that are negative, bin them and burn them. Watch the paintings burn and let yourself be released of their energy. Do what feels comfortable for you.
- Find a creative outlet, if your thoughts or anxiety or emotions are getting the better of you. Pour that energy somewhere else don’t let it sit inside and poison you, try painting, drawing, exercise, anything that allows you to transfer energy out.
- Is what you’re doing now, adding value to your life?
- What small change could you make today, that if you did consistently would change your life?
- Some relationships should be mended, some should be abandoned; today was always the right time.
- Charity is for your own wellbeing. Give your time, care, love and help.
Allow yourself more opportunities for personal growth.
- As Stephen Covey said “There’s a small space between stimulus and response, how you react is your choice” – Internalise this idea and say it to yourself when you are being stressed.
- Understand that the opinions of others do not matter, only what you think of yourself. If we let the opinions of others effect us, then we are giving them power over us.
- Realise that you are not perfect and that you will make mistakes. Choose to think of your mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning, then you will be able to let go of the pain of your regrets and rebuild your confidence.
- You are what you believe yourself to be. Believe that you are unworthy and you will be unworthy, believe that you are a strong, powerful and confident individual, feel it, act it and you will become it. Practice letting go of your self doubt and insecurities.
- Visualise your biggest fears and then visualise responding to those fears with acceptance, strength and confidence. Learn to face those fears in your mind, and you will make yourself expertly prepared to deal with that outcome, should it ever arise. Do this everyday until you are comfortable with it.
- Your life is starting to revolve around your work
- You’ve stopped listening to your partner
- You’re no longer invested in your sex life
- You’ve stopped investing in your appearance and health
- You’ve stopped communicating
- You’re fighting for the sake of fighting
- You’re avoiding your partner
- You’ve been thinking (or moving) beyond your relationship
- You say hurtful things
- You’re not emotionally supportive
- You’re not willing to change things
- You think it’s always your partners fault
Do you want to change?
Acknowledge there’s an issue, start by communicating those issues calmly. Express your desire to change the status quo and start my tackling one thing at a time, change will come with time and patience.
Have you ever felt like you’re saying the same things over and over again and what you’re saying just isn’t getting through to your partner? or maybe they’re telling you that “you promised me last time that you wouldn’t do X, but you always do”.
That was me, being told over and over, that I keep making the same mistakes, but in my mind.. “it’s just the way I am”, or I would feel justified in my action “but you keep doing this thing that makes me do act this way! what do you expect?!”.
I wasn’t listening, I felt like I wasn’t being heard either. My partner clearly expressed her emotions, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear them over my own thoughts and rebuttals and I wasn’t feeling heard because I wasn’t taking the time to think about my problems or how I truly felt and took even less time to communicate them clearly.
Communication is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, whether at home, at work or with friends or with anyone you come across in your life. If you can communicate well, you can solve your problems or they’ll continue to erode your relationships time and time again as I learned.
So, how can we communicate more effectively? As Epictetus once said “we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak”
Start by listening first and before you respond really think about what is being communicated to you, sometimes it won’t always be clear, and sometimes your partner will also be a poor communicator but if you can make a conscious effort to listen and understand.. well half the job is done.
Conscious listening or active listening is the process of listening attentively, trying to understand and reflect on what is being said and remembering it. If we all did this a little more, we would have a lot less conflict in our lives. Ask yourself, what is my partner trying to communicate to me? What can I learn from this? How do I contribute to the problem? Is it within my control?
One of the hardest things for us to do, myself included is to admit your part in the problem and acknowledge that it takes two to tango and understand why you’re behaving a certain way. But this is the first step forward, this will allow us to see more clearly the issues at hand. Then we can learn to trace back, through time, through arguments, through misunderstandings the root cause of the issue.
- if your partner is communicating a problem, reiterate the problem back to them. This will show them that you’re present and listening. It will also give you pause, time enough to think rather than immediately react.
- Ask yourself, what is my partner trying to communicate to me?
- How do I contribute to the problem?
- Is it within my control?
- What can I do to change this?
- Acknowledge your issues and the problem
- Make a plan to address the problem and involve your partner. Remember, it’s both of you vs. the problem, not each other.